Hill Crescent 1-5 Bridge Tavern

After a two week break for the Internationals, it was back to action for the mighty Bridge in a fixture I was 1st informed was to be played at Kirkby, behind the Library. This information was passed to loyal supporters who were nay happy to discover just 20 minutes from kick off, that the venue was actually in Skegby, behind the Library and next door to Dr Leggs Surgery.

The meeting point of the King & Miller was again the early morning focal point. Mellors decided to stay in nearby McDonalds for a full 45 minutes, nearly missing the convoy pulling out to head to the game.

The sky was very cloudy, indeed the clouds were that low, the thick players in the squad mis-took them for Sheep, so after calming Ganna’s excitement down, the players were in the ramshackled hut ready to change into their footy gear.
Ganna - Get's excited easily
Manc announced the team and formation to bemused looks from our hero’s. Obviously Sven boring Erickson had influenced Mancs tactic’s as a 4-1-4-1-4-1-4 type formation was being used. Once it was pointed out to the player manager that this formation actually included 19 players, he was forced into a rethink, although he did raise the fact that if the referee was short sighted then he may get away with it. Not wanting to risk a fine from the football league, he relented and changed it to a 1-3-1-1-3-1 formation as not to confuse folk anymore.

TEAM: Lormor, Bread, Quiche, Ashley, Mellors, Scott, Manq, Jay, Danny, Garlic, Gallagher
Subs: Unknown youth player, 2nd unknown youth player and Leigh Britton.

The pitch was to say the least a bit on the slopey side, so much so that the referee came out wearing Velcro boots as not to fall sideways of it. Talking of the referee, he was the double of that Italian referee (who I can’t pronounce, you know the one), if not a little fatter.

The game was a bit crap at first, as both teams came to terms with the 90 degree slope on the pitch. The only excitement came in the form of Physio Pirate who had doubled the water bucket up as a Stella cooler, superb thinking that kept the supporters beer cool throughout the 1st half. It was lone striker Gallagher that had the 1st shot of the match, as his tame effort didn’t trouble the home keeper. Manc was sent into the clear on 13 minutes, but the home keeper Tommo was alert enough to come out sharply to smother the ball before Manc got a clear shot on goal. At the other end, there was plenty of possession for the home side, which resulted in their 1st effort on goal, a Volley that Lormor did well to keep out with his feet. By now Quiche was well into his routine of getting stuck in, and was the 1st player to be spoken to after chopping up one of the home forwards, in fact the forward was sent springing into the air, only arriving face down on the ground midway through the 2nd half, leading to the thick lot in the squad to pronounce that the martians had landed. The pressure during the middle part of the 1st half was intense from the home side, Lormor saved again on 24 minutes, then shortly after it was no surprise when they indeed took the lead. A cross from the right was side footed in from just 6 yards out with lormor looking on helplessly, Quiche in a desperate bid to stop the ball going over the line, followed the ball in on the slide, and promptly destroyed the netting, goal post, half the pitch, the Doctors Surgery, Library and half of Skegby, but still the goal stood.
The Bridge responded to going a goal down by trying to build their own spell of pressure, a cross from Manc landed in the 6 yard box and created confusion for the visiting forward line, mainly because they aren’t used to it getting that far, and the home side were able to clear. Gallagher brought the best out of Tommo a couple of minutes later with a stinging shot from the edge of the area, that resulted in Tommo getting a fat thumb to it and tipping onto the crossbar.

Scott who was by now enjoying his holding role just in front of the back four, fouled a home player from 30 yards out, and the resulting free kick was obviously rehearsed, but came to nothing. To which the away support took delight in taking the piss out of something that had wasted time in the weeks leading up to the game. James, not to be outdone with Scott’s foul earlier, then decided to not only foul the home striker, but also Scott himself. The referee would have booked him, but probably couldn’t decide which tackle was the worst. Gallagher was away on the right hand side following the free kick, but the Linesperson decided to raise a flag, a decision which didn’t go down to well with Quiche, who promptly called him a nob head. The lino still reeling from the insult was promptly caught out in between the name calling, as following a poor clearance from the home keeper, Jay lobbed the ball forward for the home defence to get in a tis wass, and with the nob head lino waving again for something happening in another village, the referee played on, and admist all the confusion, Danny kept his head to volley home the equalizer to send the away support delirious.

Half Time 1-1

Garlick came of at half time feeling tired, the journey to the game had obviously had an effect on the makeshift left winger, in an exclusive half time interview Garlic said “I’m tired”. The Bridge started the 2nd half on the attack, and almost straight away Gallagher crossed from the left, only for Fraser Clarkson to miss his volley and the chance went begging. The home keeper, who by now couldn’t kick a bag of wind, saw his weak kick headed back into danger by Jay, only for the keeper to redeem himself by saving Gallagher’s shot to the far post. By this point I was busy sending a couple of texts, a bit unprofessional I know, but I’m freelance so can do as I like, I was informed I had missed Manc miss twice, to which I replied I could have guessed that bit anyway.
Manc - Did great impression of Fraser McBollock

Mellors went on a storming run down the left wing, and is still probably running now towards the west coast, Gallagher got in as a result but shot instead of passing to the better placed Manc, the ball going harmesly for a throw in. From the resulting throw in, the defence forgot what colour they were playing in, and threw to a Bridge player, who in turn fed Danny, and after he had finished his meal, he waltzed into the area before tripping on a used Condom (cheers for that line Scott!) with the referee pointing the spot. The condom was removed from the pitch and left on the nearby kids playground with the other 12 lying around. Danny managed to roll over and get back up in time to take the penalty, he promptly smacked the ball home to make it 2-1 to the visitors. Manc was through on the right not long after, and his cross found the home keeper who promptly fell over the ball, to let in Gallagher to score an easy tap in to make it 3-1.

Scott who had been excellent in his holding role throughout, made way for youth team player Leigh. What followed was a most controversial moment in football, something they will be talking about on John Barnes Football Night for many a week. A ball to Gallagher was then crossed into the area, and with bodies flying in from all directions, the home keeper suddenly went down with a broken toe nail, in the confusion that followed, Jay chipped the ball into the empty net. The referee who had no idea what was going off, gave the goal, citing the fact that the keeper would have let the shot in anyway.
Manc had a glorious chance to make it 5-1 straight after, as the home side crumbled under the pressure, but he took 3 hours to get a shot in, and was promptly tackled with the empty net calling out to be hit. He was soon replaced to loud boos straight after for one of the unknown youth players, I say unknown as my research into the new signings this season has been somewhat limited.

Gallagher decided to have a bit of fun late on, and waltzed through to make the score 5-1, and there was just enough time for Bread to start world war 3, as he tried to nick the gloves the nampy pamby home player was wearing, god help this player when the cold comes, he’ll be taking to the pitch in a Phil Hanleys Fridge Suit (one for the PH possie there!), after the little fight, the referee had decided enough was enough, and everyone left the field happily ever after. Superb stuff from the Bridge, any more of this and Pete will be having to lay on a open top bus ride back to the bridge after the final game of the season.



Lormor7Couple of good saves in the 1st half, making the number 1 jersey his own, even though it was given to him as a gift and hasn't paid anyone for it yet, but I'm not bitter
Bread7Couldn't get forward in the 1st half, but made up for it with a heated exchange with the puff who wore gloves even though it wasn't cold.
Mellors7Missing person, ran down the line in the 2nd half and forgot to stop, call his home if you have seen this man
Quiche9Brilliant fouls, and general tackling was rough as ever, brought devastation to the village of Skegby as he tried in vain to stop the opening goal.
Ashley8Held firm when the pressure was on in the 1st half, and a brilliant foul on Scott which went unpunished
Scott8Brilliant in his holding role, took off in the 2nd half, might have suffered an injury due to Jame's late lunge.
Danny9Ran the midfield and won a penalty by falling over, got the all important equalizer as well. Man of Match despite what the opposition say. Dream Team Star Man
Garlick7Asked to play in an unfamiliar role on the left, but made some good runs forward and defended well in the 1st half, replaced at half time and gave exclusive interview to us.
Jay8Quick on his feet, and took the mick with some nice megs on the opposition, much better than his brother !
Manc7The Fraser award for miss of the century with the volley that ended up going out for a throw in, otherwise provided some good support and balls through to Gallagher
Gallagher8Some smart finishing and has a great shot, did very well on his lonesome up front.
Sub 17Strong runs as the Bridge ran riot in the 2nd half
Sub 27err likewise
Sub 37Ditto


Written by Michael 18th October 2005